Things people say to transracial families

This video will give you an example of what you will experience as a transracial family.  I have personally been told or asked almost every single one of these.  I really hate being compared to Jolie and whoever she is with, although I could sure use a little of the kind of money they make.  We would probably be up to 10 kids in a few more years if we did.  It is amazing the kinds of things people will say, without seeming at all conscious of how rude they are.

Today we went to Children's hospital to see the orthopedist.  As we came out of the elevator with the two newest children and Catherine, an older man said, "did you bring the whole village? Har Har".  I resisted but I REALLY wanted to say that our village was missing an idiot, and he might consider applying.  Yes, I know that isn't the most charitable thought, but he wasn't funny.  We can hope he was embarrassed about it later, once he picks those toenails out of his teeth.

How to fix a quick meal

After the soccer game yesterday, I was rushing around changing people and Catherine wanted to know what we were having for lunch.  I told her that we needed something fast, since it was already so late.  Her suggestion:  "How about something really quick, like candy?"  I guess that would be faster than the balanced meal I had in mind.....

Simple English

As a former ESL teacher, it has been very interesting for me to watch my Chinese children learn their new language.  When Hannah and I were in China, we had to use simple English in an effort to communicate with people.  We used some Chinese words mixed with a few English ones in an effort to communicate with the kids.  Now that we have been home over a month, both kids understand a great deal of the English spoken to them, even though it is still easier to use simple English and say things like, "no touch!"  Both new children are using whole sentences in English, sometimes with a few Chinese words thrown into the mix.  They are speaking less and less Chinese to each other.  John, who likes to try to keep Therese in line, said to her, "don't do that," very clearly the other day.  Therese is not as advanced as he is, both because she is delayed, and because she had never been exposed to English in China before meeting her new mom.  Even I can tell that she pronounces some words in Chinese incorrectly--"Ko fa" instead of "Tou Fa", for hair.  She seems to do the same t to k switch with English words sometimes too.

The funniest part is how the vocabulary is getting into their little minds.  Both kids call any kind of bread, a "sandwich," probably since we ate sandwiches in China at least once a day.  I haven't eaten a sandwich since I got home.  When I make toast, both kids will say proudly, "sandwich," to show their knowledge.   John thinks all meals are called "lunch" , which may be because the first meal we had together in China was lunch.  He is so happy in the morning when I am cooking breakfast, and announces that it is time for lunch.  They both know the word "helmet," since we have a strict rule on helmets for bike and trike riding.  Yesterday, John said that he had a helmet, as he proudly indicated the Cubs cap he was wearing.  I guess it made sense to him that anything that goes on your head is a helmet.  I wonder if he thinks my mantilla is a helmet.

Fun Outdoors

We have had such gorgeous weather the past week that we have spent a lot of time out playing in the yard and the park.  This is the most beautiful time of year here.  The only problem is the ragweed which makes me and a couple of the kids miserable if we aren't careful to keep antihistamine in our systems.

 

The younger boys were entertaining themselves by being generally silly--Thomas by posing on the grass.

 

 

This looks a little bit like he was trying to do yoga, but John was laughing himself silly every time he got in this position.

 

Posing in frond of the mailbox.  We are finally starting to see the silly side of John, now that he is able to relax more as in integrates into the family.

 

I'm not sure what this face means.  Lately he has been showing off his tongue a lot.  I love mums and have some really big ones I have kept going for about 3 years in the same spot.

 

Someone didn't want his picture taken.  There is always one who acts weird when the camera comes out.

 

This is a huge step--petting a cat!  John didn't want to be anywhere near one of these strange creatures when he first came home, and now he pets Guinevere and says, "niiice kitty." Our two cats are sisters, and the other one is named Anastasia.  They go by Gwennie and Tasha.

 

The girl cousins were having fun with some toys Emily brought over.

 

Therese loved the toy minivan.

 

Therese loves the toy at the park, because she can climb up the stairs all by herself.  She usually goes straight up to the very highest slide.

 

 

Halfway there!

 

 

John has gotten more brave and climbs up from the side.  He needs a little help at the top but he is really proud of himself that he can get up on this thing.

 

 

 

The oldest two boys do a lot of wrestling.  Usually the same boy ends up on top.

 

 

Even though they are complete opposites in personality, they are good buddies.

My handsome oldest son.

 

 

My incorrigible and charming second son.

 

Therese in her kneepads, showing the damage to her little soft shoes and her socks after an afternoon of playing outdoors.  She would never let a little thing like damaged skin keep her from getting around.

 

 

 

 

Hopefully this week we will get the MRIs set up.  Except for the ups and downs of bonding, we had a good week.  The good weather helps everyone get lots of exercise and sleep well at night.  The kids are so tired that they fall asleep during evening prayers.  It is hard to believe that so much of October is over. 

 

 

 

Therese's best friend in the orphanage

I have been trying to find out more about Therese's best friend in the orphanage, hoping to advocate for her and help her find a family, since I was told when I was in Lanzhou that she was listed for adoption.  I was very sad to hear today that the orphanage recently decided she is not healthy enough to be adopted and at this time they have withdrawn her paperwork.  Therese talked about her constantly, with such love.  My heart is heavy for this little girl who is not only an orphan, but may not have a chance to ever know the love of a family.  This is one of the reasons that adoption breaks my heart.  You can bring home a child, who is a loved and joyful part of your family, but you can never forget the ones left behind.

Helping another family

If anyone is looking for a good cause to support, this little boy needs a life-saving heart surgery immediately.  We were in China with the family who was there to adopt him, when they got the devastating news that the son they traveled so far to bring home was too sick to travel and they had to come home without him.  It is one of the worst calls an adopting family can get, especially when they were expecting to meet him in two days, and we were all happily touring Beijing.   They can use all the prayers and support they can get.  They are the featured family at Give 1 Save 1 .  Their family blog is here.

Coping with the ups and downs

I never thought adoption was easy, but the more adoptions I experience, the more I realize just how hard it is.  This was the first time for us to add older children to the family, and the first time I ever had to travel without Mr. B.  That was hard.  It is hard for the kids at home to be without Mommy for 3 weeks.  It is very hard to come home and try to meet the needs of the "old kids", while trying to integrate two "new kids" into the family.  Bonding with 4-year-olds is very different than bonding with babies.  And of course now I am even more outnumbered.  Don't let these cute kids fool you, they all have lots of demands and needs and are not shy about letting Mommy know about them.

 

The first few weeks home I was so jet-lagged that just getting everyone dressed and to church on time seemed like a major accomplishment.  I even managed a photo of all 6 kids, holding still for a few seconds and all looking at the camera at the same time. Usually one is picking their nose at just the wrong minute.

 

 

Bonding with the new kids has gone really well.

 

Dealing with a 3-year-old who had to give up Mommy for three weeks, then share her with two new kids who jumped above him in birth order, was not so easy sometimes.  We had so much just raw emotion coming from this little guy, it was a little overwhelming sometimes.   Every night he would cry and say, "I was so scared when you were in China.  I don't want you to be away."  The poor little guy held it together until I got back, and then it just came out in floods over the past few weeks.  He is doing better now.  He sleeps in his own bed again sometimes, and if he is in our bed, he only holds onto me with one hand and foot, instead of wrapping himself around me like a koala on a eucalyptus tree.

 

I managed to find some time to work on my awful looking flowerbeds.

 

 

There is always a little helper!

 

In spite of a few weeks where it seemed like at any given moment at least two kids were crying, and mornings where I wished I could just pull the covers over my head and sleep just half an hour more. (But I knew from the strong aromas wafting towards me that if I postponed the diaper changes there could be bio-hazard cleanup jobs all over the house).  I could hardly believe the doctor in the ER when he told me that my new son was impacted with poop.  Being the Mom, who was cleaning up two large productions per day, I never dreamed the poor guy was constipated.  After a few doses of Miralax, I thought our whole house was going to go up in a giant brown mushroom cloud.  I am not a fan of Miralax.  Violence is not the answer.

 

We had a week or so where the kids were SO over the honeymoon (I thought it would last longer than it did, but no) of having new siblings that I dropped all pretense of homeschooling or housecleaning and spent the entire day refereeing.  I can say that I have no desire to ever have a job like UN peacekeeper.  Trying to keep the peace between 6 kids just wore me out, and they were only armed with legos and tinkertoys. 

 

There was relief in some funny moments, when little by little they started to bond with each other. I'm not sure what was so funny about eating popcorn with a plastic spoon, with a wet washcloth on the head, but this had all 6 kids in stitches.

 

One day Fermin drew a picture of himself and his new sister, and taped it up by her crib.  She LOVED it.  That picture is still there and still brings a smile to her face.

 

Jose reading a book to his new sister, with his arm around her.  Awwwww.

 

Besides church, we ventured out of the house for violin and viola lessons, and soccer.  Fermin and Jose are both enjoying playing soccer.  It is my completely objective opinion that those two Guatemalans out on the field are the cutest little soccer players ever.

 

 

We had to retrieve Therese from the soccer field a few times, but she was thrilled to just be a spectator when her cousin Emily let her sit in her pink chair and wear her sunglasses.

 

 

John Francis was happy being on Mommy's lap.

 

I feel like in a lot of ways our transition went very well, considering that we were adding two 4-year-olds to the family.  John Francis was used to living in a group foster home, so he adapted readily to our routine, and Therese copied what everyone else was doing.  Neither of them have any serious behavior issues that you sometimes hear about when adopting older kids.  It has been a tiring month for me, going back to having two kids in diapers, and having one of my "old kids" regress in potty training at the same time.  I have cleaned up more poop and pee than I can even remember, and had to get used to using fun stuff like Miralax, suppositories, and enemas. 

 

It can be scary when you have a new child, you take them to the doctor, and you cannot answer any of the questions they ask you.  You cannot answer them because you just met your child and have very sketchy medical information from their life in China.  Add to that not being able to communicate very well with your new child, and medical appointments can be very stressful.  Both of the new children get very upset in a medical setting.  Therese starts bouncing off the walls, hiding behind the stroller, and yelling, "NO!" whenever the doctor looks in her direction.  John Francis goes into shutdown mode and passively resists.  One doctor looked at me skeptically when I assured him that John does talk like a normal child.  He looked so spaced out as soon as he saw a white coat that the doctor had no idea what his functioning level is.

 

It has been an exhausting month but things are getting better all the time.  I even got back to doing schoolwork late last week, and managed to get the laundry put away.   When we go somewhere as a family, I've learned that we need to budget an extra 20 minutes just for the loading process, to get everyone seated and buckled in.  Now if I could just get a little more sleep, life is looking better and better.  Maybe in a year or so I will be ready to think about filling one of those extra seats in the van........

One month home, with John Francis

It is funny how you have preconcieved ideas about people you have never met.  Based on the stories from people who knew and loved him, I knew that John Francis was a happy and sweet little guy.  I just had no idea what a sensitive soul he is, and just how hard the transition would be for him.  I suppose that I pictured him as being more outgoing than he is.  This little boy is just full of love, and he also has a very strong need for security.  I knew on an intellectual level that to take a 4-year-old from all he has ever known, and to travel with him to 3 cities, then to America, where he has to learn a new language and nothing is familiar.  Reading about how hard that is can never prepare your heart for what it is like to live with a child who is in the most stressful situation they have ever been in.  He was so happy and loved at Eagle's Wings, that unlike Therese he was leaving a home.  He doesn't have a personality that likes change so the whole process and trip was extra difficult for him.  Seeing this little guy so sad and stressed was heartbreaking.  So many times he was overwhelmed, and even though he let me comfort him, I knew that I wasn't Mommy yet.   There were times on the trip where he would cry, but more often he would just shut down.  He would refuse to look at or talk to anyone, especially the guide.  Since we got home he has refused to speak Chinese to anyone but Therese.  When he hears someone speaking Chinese he zones out and becomes completely uncommunicative.  I had hoped that having people we know, who speak Chinese, available to translate for him would ease the transition, but it was a complete failure.

 

 

 

After the first week, when the excitement of the new bed, new toys, and new home had started to wear off, our little guy had daily breakdowns where he would cry until he was drenched with tears and drool.  Sometimes he wouldn't let me hold him.  It was hard to see a little guy hurting like that, and to be unable to do anything to help him. 

 

Slowly, gradually, we are seeing more glimpses of the happy sweetie that charmed so many people who lived or visited at Eagle's Wings.  We are seeing smiles and hearing real laughter.  At first it was hard for him to understand that his new big brothers were being affectionate when they walked by and said, "hey", and pounded him on the shoulder.  He played mostly with Therese, who he had two weeks to bond with in China, and then with Catherine.  Playing with his new big sister in her play kitchen was something that was safe and fun.  She didn't tease him or knock him down by accident like the big brothers, and he even liked putting on her play jewelry and having tea parties with the dolls and stuffed animals.  He is starting to bond with the others now--the boys have him giving high fives and knuckles with them now.  He loves Thomas the Train and Bob the Builder.  He walks around the house singing the theme song, which he sings like this: "Bog a Bilger, can we sha."   He is learning English very fast and is already using complete sentences and counting into the teens.

 

Medically, he had good lab results, and was negative for giardia.  I am very thankful that we took precautions in China and didn't bathe them together, just in case one had something we didn't want them to share.  Developmentally, he is a normal kid his age.  He has some mobility issues that will need attention.  He has the flattest feet I have ever seen, and his right foot rolls over.  He probably needs a brace on that foot and ankle.  We have appointments with the orthopedist and urologist and will also see an opthalmologist and the dentist.  I was very frustrated because we were having trouble getting an appointment with the neurosurgery department.  Two weekends ago I got very scared about whether his shunt was working, partly because when he was crying he kept putting his hand on his head, the side of his head where the shunt is.  I stayed up very late reading more about shunts and hydrocephalus and scared myself thoroughly.  On the Monday morning I called the pediatrician's office and told them of my concerns.  When the doctor called me back he told me that if I was worried, I should take him to the ER at Children's, and that might expedite our neurosurgery consult. 

 

So that Monday afternoon I spent most of the day at the ER, which was a very interesting experience.  After x-rays, the doctor told me that my little guy is quite full of poop.  So full of it that it could be impacting the end of the drainage tube for his shunt.  They also did a CT scan and a neurosurgeon came to talk to me and told me that the shunt, although the tubing all looks clear, isn't really in the right location in his brain.  The neurosurgeon said, "that shunt needs revision sooner rather than later."  We got an appointment for the next Monday with neurosurgery, so I guess the ER trip got someone's attention.  The neurosurgeon we met with wants to take a cautious approach, since John doesn't show any physical signs of shunt failure.  We will be getting a series of MRIs of his brain and spine before they decide what, if anything, needs to be done in the near future.  It takes awhile to get the MRIs set up, because he will have to be sedated.  They will have to be done in the hospital instead of an outside clinic.

 

 

John Francis is definitely Mommy's boy right now.  He likes to help me when I garden, but says, "yucky" when I offer to let him hold an earthworm.  He takes very good care of Therese, even though he does enjoy bossing her around.  Sometimes when she says something in Chinese, he will make her say it again, since her Lanzhou dialect isn't standard Chinese.  He also tries to explain things to her, and I would LOVE to know what he is telling her, since there are times I don't know if he really knows what is going on himself.  She usually nods seriously as he talks, so maybe whatever he is telling her makes sense.  He is the first to let me know if she needs a refill at the table or more food.  He likes to play outside and inside his favorite toys are usually toy cars and trucks.  Now that he is starting to relax, he is getting more and more affectionate.  He gives the sweetest hugs and often during the day will come find me wherever I am and just lean his head against me for a quick affection re-charge. 

 

His file sounded scary, among other things it said, "development of brain is not good."  That is probably a very poor translation of the effects of the hydrocephalus, but what a terrible label to put on a little boy.  He does have some medical issues but he is just a normal little guy in every other way.  I'm glad I'm the one who gets to be his mommy, but I feel sad that his file sat so long because of the unfortunate wording, when he could have been in a family a year sooner.  I can only conclude that things work out for good and that this special, loving little boy was meant to be in our family.  I'm glad we said yes!

 

 

 

 

 

One month at home, with Therese

The time since I got back from China has gone by so quickly.  I thought I would write a post on each of the new sweeties and how they are adjusting to their new lives in our family.  Therese has changed so much since I first met her in Lanzhou.  I got a thin, seriously dehydrated child who impressed me even in the first few minutes with how alert and interested she was in everything.  She is a quick learner, and can be quite a turkey.  I'm sure some of you know that Catherine, who was the only girl in the family, is known as quite a diva.  I will admit that before I met Therese I was hoping she would be calmer and quieter than her new big sister.  With just one diva in the house, the drama and emotions can be overwhelming.  God must have smiled when I said that, because little did I know that we were adding another diva to our family, one that is much more outgoing and almost as talented at being loud as her big sister.  This little girl is amazing, to have survived over 4 years in an orphanage where obviously so many basic needs were neglected, and to not only have survived, but to emerge such a confident and spunky and loving life. 

 

 

 

Therese was only 20 lbs when I first met her, and I almost cried several times that first day, when I saw the condition she was in.  It was a day with so much emotion, seeing how much worse some of her physical needs were, but seeing what an amazing personality she has.  I have seen other children from her orphanage, with less severe medical needs, who have been unable to crawl or walk, and having little or no language skills.  Therese chattered away in Chinese, and also knew several songs, her colors, at least one nursery rhyme, and could count to 10.  She was able to figure out how to get some extra attention from her caregivers, even though physically she was not in very good shape.

 

Since that day that she met her new mommy, Therese has gained 7 lbs, and her skin is clear and healthy and her hair shines.  She is learning new English words all the time and without anyone teaching her, she counted to 6 in English the other day.  She loves the alphabet song.  The first few days I had her in China, if she fell and hurt herself, she didn't cry.  Now she is definitely making up for that, and if she is hurt she lets everyone know it--and even if she isn't hurt but her new big brothers are annoying her, there is no doubt how she feels about it.  It is hard to know exactly where she is developmentally, but she is very quick and observant.  Unlike all her siblings, she loves to brush her teeth and wash her hands.  She likes to help clear the table and fold washcloths.

 

Physically, we are still working on meeting with the various specialists.  We had a checkup with our pediatrician the first week home, and had a full battery of blood tests and every parent's favorite, the stool sample.  (They said they wanted it as fresh as possible, so I took a sick pride in getting the sample to the lab when it was still warm.)  All her bloodwork was in the normal range, except for anemia, and her stool sample was positive for giardia.  We did the giardia treatment and will need to re-test to make sure it was successful.  Sometimes it can be hard to get rid of.  We had a preliminary visit with the neurosurgeon, but are working on setting up a series of MRIs before we will know what is going on with her spinal cord.  We have appointments with the orthopedic specialist and the urologist, and we also need to see an opthalmologist and the dentist. 

 

Her whole torso twists to the side, so I think her scoliosis is more serious than we thought.  Her lower legs are like sticks, since she never developed any calf muscles.  Her lower legs and feet are very cold and have weaker pulses, and I think she has limited feeling in them.  That could explain how she is able to cruise around on her ankle bones.  It is painful to watch but doesn't seem to bother her.  She is never happier than when she gets ahold of something she can use as a walker.  She will wear away her jeans, socks, and soft shoes, and rub off layers of skin, but that doesn't stop her.  She wants to be mobile!  Usually she walks on her knees, but she loves trying to walk upright like other people.

 

 

 

She has adjusted to life here very well.  She adores her Daddy.  The first time Mr. B. went back to work, she cried until her little nose was red and her eyes were puffy.  She has accepted that he goes to work, now that she is more confident that he will come back.  Perhaps because the conditions where she lived weren't very good, she hasn't seemed to grieve or feel homesick.  Getting food and love and having a whole house to explore, getting to play outside, and having access to our (too large) toy collection must seem like a pretty good change. 

 

 

 

 

She is definitely a turkey.  Once when she was hitting, I held her hand and said, "nice", and she looked me right in the eye and replied sassily, "bu shir nice!"  (Bu shir means don't want in Chinese.)  Even though she is sassy and mouthy sometimes, if you are firm she usually complies.  She loves to snuggle and gives very sweet little hugs.  Even when she is giving her evil face or the stink eye, she is somehow still cute and endearing.  She is such a daredevil and took off down the block on a trike before I realized what she was doing.  When I called out to her to stop, she just cackled with glee over her shoulder!  She cannot pedal a trike because of her feet, but she loves to ride them anyway.  She even got up on a scooter and was managing to propel herself along.  That was no easy feat, when you think about how she had to balance on one ankle bone, and push with the other.  She also very quickly learned how to operate the plasmacar, which is great for her since you can move and steer it with just your hands.  She always insists on climbing up to slide down the tallest slide at the playground and is so proud of herself when she gets up there.

 

I am so thankful that we took the time to pray and prepare ourselves to take the leap of faith to submit the paperwork to adopt her.  When I first was drawn to her picture, I was overwhelmed by the list of her special needs.  If we hadn't been willing to stretch our faith, we would have missed out on knowing this incredible little girl with the most happy and determined spirit I have ever seen in a child.  She has a long medical road ahead of her but I am very confident that she will overcome every obstacle and work very hard.  This girl gives her all to whatever she tries to do.  Mr. B said a few weeks ago that someone forgot to let her know she has problems, because she is just so happy.  She laughs with joy and with mischief and she has charmed everyone who has met her.